THE SUN LEE SUNBEAM (BLOG)

everything’s always so easy when you’re falling in love. it’s like a freefall in slow motion, awestruck, holding onto each others faces, laughing giddily, totally unconcerned about the impact when you inevitably crash. this song is not about falling in love. it’s about what happens upon realizing you’re not floating in a protective bubble, immune to the forces of nature, and the whole truth versus the idealized version of the truth you concocted in your blissfully dazed heads. ah, yes… this song is about: the power struggle.

as an unintended serial monogamist with a few failed relationships grinning evilly at me from the past, i can’t claim to be a relationship expert by any means. but from my own experience, there always comes a time when you look at the other person and finally have to admit that they’re not some amazing, mystical creature who can do no wrong. you see the humanity in them and within yourself. you’re forced to see yourself as separate from them once again and are suddenly filled with the urge to preserve that self that you’ve loved–the one that they fell in love with. you both start doing or saying things that conflict greatly with the person you thought each other were and those things are met with resistance. you test the waters. it’s a time of imbalance with a constant struggle to regain oneself without losing one another. it’s about feeling out each other’s boundaries, defining your own, and learning whether or not you can live within the two separate wavering, invisible circles.

this isn’t the kind of song i ever envisioned doing with the band a year ago. although embarrassing to admit, i wanted to be more rock n’ roll. showing my wounds seemed a little too humiliating unless said wounds were inflicted by a more broad assailant–such as ‘life’ or ‘the fucked up world we live in’. i strove to align myself with punk rock because–much like the beginning of a new fling–it feels safer when you’re only showing what you want to be seen. it’s still cool to be hurt or confused by the world, but–by a relationship? i wasn’t so sure. unless, of course, you’re kicking and screaming about it, headstrong, as in ‘fragmented’ off of LOOK FOR THE LIGHT.

nonetheless, mary, mike, and jeff started encouraging me to play the songs that i dubbed, affectionately, my ghey songs. (ghey as in overtly lovey or poppy, not homosexual. those songs are still in the closet.) i’m still unsure whether or not it’s a smart decision, but admit that it’s fun. they break up the set in a more interesting way, giving us another dimension. some people prefer them to the harder rock songs and i’m trying to be okay with that. it’s therapeutic to unashamedly share another side of myself in this way. and–anyway, i never got into this for business reasons. i got into it because it feels good and helps me grow in different ways. i’m lucky to be working with people who help encourage a more total personality rather than a singular, marketable voice.

i sent the two-track demo version (below) of the song to the band saying i needed their help to rock it out a bit more. i even recorded it with a simulated amp that’s too heavy for the song. when we started working with it, i kept resisting, saying it was still too soft. it needed an edge. but what came natural to them was to highlight its pure beauty rather than smear it in eyeliner, give it a mohawk and studded wristbands. i was accused of fighting the waves many a time… eventually, i laughed, agreed, and gave in. and, what do i know? i’m okay with it now. in many ways, working out this song mirrored the power struggle in a romantic relationship. “sometimes i feel like i am who i want to be,” and sometimes i learn that i can still be that person when i stop fighting, work with the natural forces, and accept the totality of what i’ve created and what we develop into together.

HOME DEMO VERSION:
recorded the same day it was written in april ’09

ALBUM VERSION:

c+p jessica sun lee 2009

xOx
jessica